Monday, July 26, 2010


What if I got warm,
a heater box,
a generator,
my atoms vibrated,
I radiated.

What if I could power your car,
your little apartment,
your whole building,
the security door.

What if I didn't cool down,
expanded brilliantly
gave you my energy
an illuminated city.

What if I were sound,
tidal power overcast,
sand dragging under your feet.

What if you could feel it,
the networking current,
the regenerating fusion,
what if you could see me from space.

And what if I went nuclear.
Melted the whole place
burned everything in range
and devistated everyone.

What if I stay inside the core,
where the electromagnet hangs on tight
and nothing can be pulled apart.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Another solution brought to you by me.

Seeing as how 2 out of the three branches of government can't figure out how to solve the US unemployment problem immediately (and I'm not including the judicial because their latest ruling on campaign finance should just about secure every lobbyist job and every lobbyist related job - and I know right now as you're reading this Judge Alito, you're saying to yourself "not true", but at least the justices are taking the economy into their own hands), it guess it's up to me.

So let's look at the evidence: 20% to 50% of employers check facebook before hiring you. That can mean "you" specifically or the general "you". I know you already have a job Justice Alito. This data can lead to only one conclusion: Facebook is responsible for the high unemployment. You can't ignore data. But you can spin and skew it if necessary. If you couldn't, you wouldn't have Bill Maher or Glen Beck (as a sidenote, if you type "smug" into google and click "I'm feeling lucky", a picture of Bill Maher comes up. Also note, if you make a typo and type "Smoug" and click "I'm feeling lucky", Glen Beck will show up at your house wearing only a sweater and a Speedo. I recommend aiming your arrow at the missing stitch in the soft underbelly of his sweater. Or just don't make the typo - it's in your hands).

Anyway, Facebook is obviously responsible for the unemployment rate exceeding 9% because people are always putting douchey things on their Facebook page like "Dude, got totally blitzed last night. Fell asleep between two hookers and when I woke up my unemployment check was gone." or "Had an interview today. Boy that guy was a total idiot." Or "Committed murder again tonight. Stupid cops. I just keep ignoring their friend requests."

Because employers aren't going to stop disrespecting our privacy any time soon, and because some people don't understand how to make posts visible to only friends or to just NOT put damning posts on Facebook while they are looking for a job, I have invented a new Job Seeker's Facebook Post Generator.

For the low price of just $500 . . . wait . . . $2,000 a month, you can send me your name, age, gender and employment history and my generator does the rest.

Here are a few examples of Facebook Posts, created by my generator, that have already started helping people get back to work.

"Had a job interview today. I have great respect and admiration for this company. The interviewers struck me as shrewd, hard working, friendly but professional."


"What I didn't do last night was get drunk so I have no pictures to post of me naked on the lawn of that place where I interviewed yesterday."


"Yesterday, just as a learning experience, I, a casual bystander in Miami, successfully negotiated the deal that will bring LeBron James to Miami with enough of a pay cut that Penny Hardaway may come out of retirement." (This may not work in Cleveland)


"Last night, I was at a restaurant, not drunk, and this older gentleman had symptoms of a heart attack. Though I don't have a lot of medical training, I was a quick, detail oriented learner and performed a triple bypass. I'm no doctor, but I bet this kind of capability would come in handy as an office manager."

These are all actual cases that have helped people get real jobs. If you want to start a franchise of your own Job Seeker's Facebook Post Generator company, stop trying to steal my ideas. This is America, the land of opportunity. Quit trying to take my opportunity. Or buy me a pony. Then maybe we'll talk.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Froyo? Oh no.

Maybe it was just the overall experience of the cleverly named "Yogurtland". Maybe it was because I mixed too many flavors (chocolate, vanilla and coffee, plus whatever chocolate flavored candy stuff I could find). Or maybe it was the bright pastel colors and hipster something kind of atmosphere. Or maybe it was the "dude" that shuffled in with his wavy blonde hair, Right-Said-Fred-one-size-too-small white polo and salmon colored shorts (with watchband to match). Or maybe it was because the scale was in hundredths of a pound but the price was in ounces; if it was that hip, it should have all been in grams (note - semi-colon). Or maybe it was the fact that they had a tip jar. Yes. A tip jar at a SELF-SERVE establishment. Do they not know how miserly I am? The poor vacant kid at the register did ask if we wanted a receipt, but is that really worthy of a tip? What the crap are you tipping for? "Nice job converting pounds to ounces - you're a champ. Here's 1/8th of a ten dollar bill."

Also, I'm lactose intolerant. It happens when you get older. There, I said it. But I have pills for that. But apparently I'm hipster intolerant too, though I'm not sure the affects are similar (for example, I don't think Ivy Caps, mutton chops and black plastic frames make my stomach gurgle - but I'm not ruling it out). But that probably happens when you get older, too. "You darn young-uns and your kitsch. Back in my day we called kitschy 'contemporary' and it was all new and young and we did it just to piss off old people."

So if I could just lasso in the tangent for a second, I think I went in for frozen yogurt, with the wrong idea (never saying "froyo" again for fear I might just start punching myself in the face to make it stop). It's supposed to be kinda healthy, right? Vanilla. Fruit. Done. Maybe peach yogurt with some nuts. In which case, I have an idea for a tip: a folded up piece of paper with these words of advice "Do NOT try to trick me with chocolate. Know who you are. If froyo (punch, punch) is supposed to be an alternative, do this: yogurt. fruits. nuts. and if you must, lychee. But for the love of God, do not insult me by faking chocolate yogurt. Leave that to ice cream." Or maybe a ransom style note that says, "Arm-wrestling contest. Parking lot. 10 o'clock." And then leave a note in the tip jar at Cold Stone that says "Arm-wrestling contest. Parking lot of Yogurtland. 10 o-clock. Bring the thunder." And then when the scrawny hipster waddles into the parking lot, the Pop-eye fore-armed, basketball shoed, baseball cap wearing chic from Cold Stone pop's off froyo's ivy cap, twists him into a headlock and demonstrates the "Mix-in" technique with blood and teeth and unflattering use of a waffle bowl.

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Decision 2010

Decision 2010 - Where will LeBron Joel go?

It's the question on everyone's mind, so I decided to host a one hour special from the nearly completed bathroom of my house where I will finally announce my decision about several things a lot of you have been asking about, like, where will he end up in the fall? What does this mean for his hometown? And then there's the brownie question.

What degree will leBron Joel go for? I know there's a lot of speculation out there. Will Lebron Joel head towards one of the sciences? Some have been reporting a lot of buzz around Molecular Biology lately due to a report of a downloaded program of study on his desktop. But after all the big talk and flirting with calculus and chemistry, you have to wonder if that was all just a bunch of hype, or if there was really something to it. Will he stay with his "degree of convenience", Wildlife Ecology and Restoration, just because the degree is easier to get? And what about the little bird in the ear that said something about psychology and work on autism? Where is that going? Or will he drop a huge bombshell and revisit teaching so he can have summers off to hit the beach?

What job will LeBron Joel take? A lot of speculation here, too. There's the "just stay at storage" crowd, or as I like to call them, the people who don't exist. Then there's the, take the mail room job and get back your girlish figure and embrace your love for physical labor. The biggest contender is the ILL job. Sure, you can bid for that, but do they really have the salary room to bring in LeBron Joel full time? Do they even want LeBron Joel full time? Aren't there plenty of other qualified all-stars? Can all the all stars really work together at ILL or it will be a fractious, spotlight hogging juggernaut that collapses under its own weight? Will LeBron Joel throw off everyone and play for the Clippers? Or even less likely, head back to Bowne? Or will LeBron Joel leave it all behind, drop off the radar and live out of his truck on the coast, selling used books to tourists from a hot dog cart on the beach?

Then there's the brownie thing. One co-worker refusing to make brownies until LeBron Joel comes out with a cross dressing Lady Gaga video and another agreeing to make brownies but then "washing her hands of the whole thing". Will LeBron Joel suck it up and make his own brownies or will he just keep gnawing away at the fudge and 56 oz bag of dark chocolate M&Ms?

Tune in this evening for Decision 2010 to found out the answer to all these questions and more, like when the heck will that bathroom get finished and when will he stop whining about his back and get back on the court.

Tonight's most likely outcome: Joel will say, "I just need a little more time. Can I just have a little more time to think about this?" After which, he will promptly shut the bathroom door and turn on the fan.