Thursday, July 16, 2009

Why I Quit?

Why did I ever quit? I am miserable wherever doing whatever. At least then I had the money to back it up. I had my friends. I hated it. I hate this, but I have no money and no friends. I am tired of manufacturing myself. A little from this. A little from that. I am an outsourced plastic trinket, cogged and connected of pieces from everyone in the assembly line. I am a final product wrapped in cellophane. I would be who I am, should I find out who that is.

Why be afraid of exposure when no one is looking.

I quit for misery. I quit for survival.

I quit so I could write this?!?!?!?!

Friday, June 5, 2009

The Deficit of My Attention

In the trillions. Larger than my GDP.

Question habit. Question nature. If uniqueness is not an entitlement but rather an assumed in a free democracy, why are we so much the same.

At some point, in the brain, whether by habit or by observation or something else, whatever it may be that solidifies the proceeding behavior, a child's brain makes a decision about the legitimacy of focus. Take for an example an infant watching television. Television is certainly easy. Television brings everything to your brain that you don't need to go get. This, in and of itself, does not make you lazy, but what of those crucial decision moments. Do we truly decide things in a moment or do they develop over long periods of time? Is there a complexity in the development? Of course. So

Over time you develop a habit, but at some point is acceptance. As a metaphor take water in the freezer. It becomes a cube by "habit" (recurring exposure to environment over time). But it also freezes in an instant. Not all the water, but some of the water freezes in an instant and the rest of the process occurs around those pioneering molecules (affected by multiple conditions beyond my education to know). If the ice is removed from the freezer before these molecules freeze, the molecules do not freeze, but they were repeatedly exposed to this condition.

Now, armed with that metaphor, let's go into battle with this concept of creation of habit. At the formative moment of creation of habit, what are the enviromental factors affecting the decision.

Friday, May 29, 2009

not here

It's summer and you're still not here.
I can smell coconut melons and cucumber honey
but I will burn anyway.

The ocean is out there.
I want to swim at night and
you are not here.

I always fall.

I could drive all the way to the coast,
take the one,
stretch my arms through the windows
and let the wheel do
what it may.

And find that wood floor kitchen
with sand scratching at my bare feet
and blame you for the white lacey curtains
but the truth is I can't wait till the wind catches them
and they tango together, left and right, on the tanlged 4/4 of pacific breeze.

There is no time for this.

When this song is over,
I'll remember that I get like this every summer
that I do this to you
that you are not real
that you are just my side B
and that the grass is green inside me
buried beneath eye balls
and walled in where no one can see.