Sunday, July 25, 2010

Another solution brought to you by me.

Seeing as how 2 out of the three branches of government can't figure out how to solve the US unemployment problem immediately (and I'm not including the judicial because their latest ruling on campaign finance should just about secure every lobbyist job and every lobbyist related job - and I know right now as you're reading this Judge Alito, you're saying to yourself "not true", but at least the justices are taking the economy into their own hands), it guess it's up to me.

So let's look at the evidence: 20% to 50% of employers check facebook before hiring you. That can mean "you" specifically or the general "you". I know you already have a job Justice Alito. This data can lead to only one conclusion: Facebook is responsible for the high unemployment. You can't ignore data. But you can spin and skew it if necessary. If you couldn't, you wouldn't have Bill Maher or Glen Beck (as a sidenote, if you type "smug" into google and click "I'm feeling lucky", a picture of Bill Maher comes up. Also note, if you make a typo and type "Smoug" and click "I'm feeling lucky", Glen Beck will show up at your house wearing only a sweater and a Speedo. I recommend aiming your arrow at the missing stitch in the soft underbelly of his sweater. Or just don't make the typo - it's in your hands).

Anyway, Facebook is obviously responsible for the unemployment rate exceeding 9% because people are always putting douchey things on their Facebook page like "Dude, got totally blitzed last night. Fell asleep between two hookers and when I woke up my unemployment check was gone." or "Had an interview today. Boy that guy was a total idiot." Or "Committed murder again tonight. Stupid cops. I just keep ignoring their friend requests."

Because employers aren't going to stop disrespecting our privacy any time soon, and because some people don't understand how to make posts visible to only friends or to just NOT put damning posts on Facebook while they are looking for a job, I have invented a new Job Seeker's Facebook Post Generator.

For the low price of just $500 . . . wait . . . $2,000 a month, you can send me your name, age, gender and employment history and my generator does the rest.

Here are a few examples of Facebook Posts, created by my generator, that have already started helping people get back to work.

"Had a job interview today. I have great respect and admiration for this company. The interviewers struck me as shrewd, hard working, friendly but professional."


"What I didn't do last night was get drunk so I have no pictures to post of me naked on the lawn of that place where I interviewed yesterday."


"Yesterday, just as a learning experience, I, a casual bystander in Miami, successfully negotiated the deal that will bring LeBron James to Miami with enough of a pay cut that Penny Hardaway may come out of retirement." (This may not work in Cleveland)


"Last night, I was at a restaurant, not drunk, and this older gentleman had symptoms of a heart attack. Though I don't have a lot of medical training, I was a quick, detail oriented learner and performed a triple bypass. I'm no doctor, but I bet this kind of capability would come in handy as an office manager."

These are all actual cases that have helped people get real jobs. If you want to start a franchise of your own Job Seeker's Facebook Post Generator company, stop trying to steal my ideas. This is America, the land of opportunity. Quit trying to take my opportunity. Or buy me a pony. Then maybe we'll talk.

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