Monday, April 19, 2010

Bible Stories for Children

So what if God is actually a little kid. Not in a star trek kind of way (GEEK CHECK!), but what if God actually has all these powers, but is still working on responsibility, but with no parental supervision. And that whole bible thing about "Fear God" is a mistranslation. It actually means, "God Fears," or, to be precise, "God is scared!" So there is this scared little kid in charge of everything. So he decides, old people should die, that way, I can drag them into the afterlife and try to figure out what makes them tick. Which turns out to be kind of a disappointment. They show up in the afterlife, bodiless, with all this knowledge about medications, health insurance and investment advice. Not to mention the fact they keep telling the same old stories over and over.
Now if you'll excuse my sequencing issues, pretend you are a kid watching adam and eve run around naked. You really don't care about naked very much if you are a kid, as a matter of fact, it's kind of funny. Then, all the sudden, the dude and the chick figure out what's what with their nakedness and BOOM they are all over each other (I'm just skipping over the whole snake and fruit metaphor and getting to the nitty-gritty). God, the kid, sees this and its like walking in on your parents. "Nobody wants to see that. I didn't make that for this. Mr. Peepers was just put there to be funny looking and the lady didn't have one to make Mr. Peepers more funny looking."
Out they go.
At some point, God, the kid, gets this crazy idea. What if I do the whole human body thing? Then I could grow up. Be an adult. See what that's like.
So here comes this kid with these crazy ideas. He checks out parties. Finds out about the affects of wine. Hangs out with friends. He never really messes around with chicks because, well he saw that in the garden one time and it was straight up nasty. He tells people they should become like kids. He also tells grown ups to stop fighting all the time. Tries to tell old religious dudes not to be so bossy. And he tells everybody they should share everything. That pretty much did it. So God, the kid, finds out that being a grown-up totally sucks in a BIG way. In one of the most misunderstood passages in the bible, God, the kid, says "eli eli lama sabachthani", which is an old proverb meaning "Screw you guys, I'm going home!"

1 comment:

Marianne said...

Bob sez: You know you're totally weird, right?